The Confession

Sympatico is at war within herself.....by nature Sympatico is forgiving, by nature Sympatico has never been a fighter, but always, always a survivor, yet by life Sympatico has become somewhat jaded, by life Sympatico has become someone who will roll with the punches, eyes to the floor, but you will never feel the blade til she has walked quietly away, belongings in tow. I guess that could be considered passive- aggressive, to turn the other cheek, then sit quietly in the corner reading a book, knowing you are crumbling a person's life, knowing your are damaging their spirit, their soul, their belief in mankind---but these are the only tools Symaptico at a young age was ever instinctually equipped with, after already knowing the loneliness of life and the bruise of love before she knew more than 1,000 words. Before she could even read. Don't let them see it coming, they are bigger than you--as much as I hated life, even as a small child, I still had that instinct to survive.
And yet as I say all of this, write all of this--it is not me-it is an amped up, steroid-driven version of me--a meaner me, yet cooler me. It is the small part of me that I wish grew more, if it grew more, my life would have been different--and even yet with that said--a bigger part of me feels at home and safe with being the weirdo in the room, I have grown comfortably into being ill equipped for life, unsure of everything, clumsy and full of doubt.
Sadly what my life has taught me, cannot defeat my nature. But I will daydream, maybe even act out on, having my nights of scouraging the streets, dressed like a woman who knows, dressed like a woman who will break you. Burn you. Not caring I am burning myself in the process. Sympatico has been dead for years, most people just don't know that. Only the other dead know me, and when we see one another in public we give each other a nod, we keep our secrets. I hear those old voices calling out to me, a memory of childhood..."Step-on-me, Step-on-me, wanna play? Step-on-me, Step-on-me, I love you, I truly do..."--hogwash, all hogwash, as old as I am I want to live big, I want to feel like I am the star of a lifetime movie, but I don't have the follow through, don't have the balls, don't have the (lack of) heart. So I sit and blog and do homework and watch my middle spread and prepare to die at 50.  But maybe I won't die, you can't die twice, can you? Maybe Sympatico came as the lamb, but will leave as the lion....just maybe...

Yemaya

In Santeria, Yemayá is seen as the mother of all living things as well as the owner of all waters. Her number is 7 (a tie into the 7 seas), her colors are blue and white (representing water), and her favorite offerings include melons, molasses ("melaço" - sugar cane syrup), whole fried fishes and pork rinds. She has been syncretized with Our Lady of Regla.
Yemaja has several caminos (paths). At the initiation ceremony known as kariocha, or simply ocha, the exact path is determined through divination. Her paths include:
These paths are in Voodoo/Candomble.

• Ogunte: In this path, she is a warrior, with a belt of iron weapons like Ogun. This path lives by the rocky coastliness. Her colors are crystal, dark blue and some red.
• Asesu: This path is very old. She is said to be deaf and answers her patrons slowly. She is associated with ducks and still or stagnant waters. Her colors are pale blue and coral.
• Okoto: This path is known as the underwater assassin. Her colors are indigo and blood red and her symbolism includes that of pirates.
• Majalewo: This path lives in the forest with the herbalist orisha, Osanyin. She is associated with the marketplace and her shrines are decorated with 21 plates. Her colors are teals and turquoises.
• Ibu Aro: This path is similar to Majalewo in that she is associated with markets, commerce and her shrines are decorated with plates. Her colors are darker; indigo, crystal and red coral. Her crown (and husband) is the orisha Oshumare, the rainbow.
• Ashaba: This path is said to be so beautiful that no human can look at her directly.

The Catalyst

n.

1. Chemistry. A substance, usually used in small amounts relative to the reactants, that modifies and increases the rate of a reaction without being consumed in the process.
2. One that precipitates a process or event, especially without being involved in or changed by the consequences.....

 

A New Notebook

I am a great planner. However I stumble on follow through, the older I get the more I stumble, maybe that is because there is so much more to stumble over now, but outside of that I am a great planner.  And a great outliner and organizer of notes. I have been in a lot of holes and jams in my life and I planned my way right on out of them, but I was younger, I was more fearless and I never thought I could really die. Now death doesn't feel that far away and I have my plans, notes and outlines on that as well. (But don't let my bravery fool you, I stress over how I will go, will it be long and painful, will I suffer, who will be left behind,etc. etc.)
 Anyway--I could fill notebooks of plans,outlines and notes--re-create myself, re-create my life--and make it happen--but too bad I can't plan for everybody else in my life as well (I am going to stop here and say, God, I appreciate the people in my life, don't let my words sound like a prayer for their loss, it is not, it is a prayer for their acceptance of me, where I am, who I am, and maybe even for me to stop trying to fix people, let it go, let them go their own way. ) What I need is a nice clean new pretty notebook, a pen full of ink, some time with nowhere to be and nothing to do-but plan. Outline. Make notes. At some point I will find me--but for now I can't get there--even just to the starting point....and when I do I wish I could just jump in those pages and slam the book shut--with somehow the people I love at my side, somehow it will all work the way I wrote it, somehow we will all be okay. But as for now I stumble.

Paving the Road for Regret

It has been a strange day, everything that I have been avoiding I was drawn to.  Everything I shouldn't be doing, I am. I could say it's because of Superbowl Sunday, but that's not it, I could really could care less about the game this year, I like both teams, Green Bay a little more, but whatever, I would enjoy seeing both teams win. I could say it's because I have a game plan for school, but that's not it either, I believe I would have went my own way before figuring all that out. I don't know what it is, and I could very well regret this all, but for right now, I am just going to be. Give myself a break and just be. For once give myself a day of indulgence.

The Rabbit and What Someone Else Said

Searched the Web high and low, for something to share for the new year today that I liked and wanted to share as a reflection for the day, this was as close as I could get with the time frame I am working with, read and possibly take heed--

"According to Chinese tradition, the Rabbit brings a year in which you can catch your breath and calm your nerves.  It is a time for negotiation.  Don't try to force issues, because if you do you will ultimately fail.  To gain the greatest benefits from this time, focus on home, family, security, diplomacy, and your relationships with women and children.   Make it a goal to create a safe, peaceful lifestyle, so you will be able to calmly deal with any problem that may arise.

Not many people know that the Rabbit is the symbol of the Moon, while the Peacock is the symbol of the Sun, and that together, these two animal signs signify the start of day and night, represent the Yin and Yang of life.  It is said that anyone making supplications for wishes to be fulfilled are certain to get what they want... and in the Year of the Rabbit, the wish-granting aspect of the Sun and the Moon combined is multiplied.  The Moon is YIN and this is the Yin of Heaven, signifying magic.  Thus on each of the Full Moon nights of this year, go out into your garden to gaze into the Full Moon and visualize plenty of Moon dust and Moon glow flowing into you, filling your whole body with bright white light and granting you fearlessness, love and courage.  This will not only strengthen your inner "Chi" energy, it will also bring wisdom into your life."