A New Notebook

I am a great planner. However I stumble on follow through, the older I get the more I stumble, maybe that is because there is so much more to stumble over now, but outside of that I am a great planner.  And a great outliner and organizer of notes. I have been in a lot of holes and jams in my life and I planned my way right on out of them, but I was younger, I was more fearless and I never thought I could really die. Now death doesn't feel that far away and I have my plans, notes and outlines on that as well. (But don't let my bravery fool you, I stress over how I will go, will it be long and painful, will I suffer, who will be left behind,etc. etc.)
 Anyway--I could fill notebooks of plans,outlines and notes--re-create myself, re-create my life--and make it happen--but too bad I can't plan for everybody else in my life as well (I am going to stop here and say, God, I appreciate the people in my life, don't let my words sound like a prayer for their loss, it is not, it is a prayer for their acceptance of me, where I am, who I am, and maybe even for me to stop trying to fix people, let it go, let them go their own way. ) What I need is a nice clean new pretty notebook, a pen full of ink, some time with nowhere to be and nothing to do-but plan. Outline. Make notes. At some point I will find me--but for now I can't get there--even just to the starting point....and when I do I wish I could just jump in those pages and slam the book shut--with somehow the people I love at my side, somehow it will all work the way I wrote it, somehow we will all be okay. But as for now I stumble.