Bound

Received a beautiful gift today of a leather bound journal.  It was given to me in response to my previous post "A New Notebook", which was flattering because my post was read and flattering because someone believes in me enough to think I can pull this off. And I can. I have before. Unfortunately other times that I have mapped out my whole being, life and existence, I have either done so in notebooks filled with ideas and philosophies that I outgrew or on loose sheets of  paper, such as the back of receipts, blank Kino slips and bar napkins that were often separated, lost or worn into tiny unreadable shreds in the linings of old purses...which was handy, if I failed, if I stumbled, without my guide I could take the easy way back into me--heard someone talk of this exact thing today, he referred to it as taking the path of least resistance. My path of least resistance often involves much longing and or disappointment, with a cocktail or two thrown in to set the mood, and much regret.
Anyway, the ball is in my court so to speak. And I have been caught off guard as well, as I am living in a small patch of self-acceptance now, well at least the last couple of days...and that is even with some things of myself as to which I am not proud still floating around in my brain.  Also,as I say this I should clarify I don't get drunk or drink everyday-but-I am a regular drinker--who just happens to have not had a drink in a longer span of time than normal--so my thinking may be a little more sober and un-enhanced than normal--how this fits into the equation I do not know, it could go two ways--I could plan things out with much more clarity and control or I could swing to the opposite end and be so uptight I don't give myself room to blossom and put together something dull.  However, this book has many pages and I have much to uncover and discover over the next weeks, and especially with Fat Tuesday approaching, I know there will be days of sobriety and days of unwinding peppered throughout my journal and somewhere between the two I will find my truth.
This time will be different. This time I am being held more accountable than ever before, by myself and those I have chosen to place in my life. I have made some changes in my life this year, changes that I have already fallen short on. Yet, I have hope, I have faith, I have people in my life I respect that are counting on me to make the right choices and I have a lot of blank pages to be filled......