The Confession

Sympatico is at war within herself.....by nature Sympatico is forgiving, by nature Sympatico has never been a fighter, but always, always a survivor, yet by life Sympatico has become somewhat jaded, by life Sympatico has become someone who will roll with the punches, eyes to the floor, but you will never feel the blade til she has walked quietly away, belongings in tow. I guess that could be considered passive- aggressive, to turn the other cheek, then sit quietly in the corner reading a book, knowing you are crumbling a person's life, knowing your are damaging their spirit, their soul, their belief in mankind---but these are the only tools Symaptico at a young age was ever instinctually equipped with, after already knowing the loneliness of life and the bruise of love before she knew more than 1,000 words. Before she could even read. Don't let them see it coming, they are bigger than you--as much as I hated life, even as a small child, I still had that instinct to survive.
And yet as I say all of this, write all of this--it is not me-it is an amped up, steroid-driven version of me--a meaner me, yet cooler me. It is the small part of me that I wish grew more, if it grew more, my life would have been different--and even yet with that said--a bigger part of me feels at home and safe with being the weirdo in the room, I have grown comfortably into being ill equipped for life, unsure of everything, clumsy and full of doubt.
Sadly what my life has taught me, cannot defeat my nature. But I will daydream, maybe even act out on, having my nights of scouraging the streets, dressed like a woman who knows, dressed like a woman who will break you. Burn you. Not caring I am burning myself in the process. Sympatico has been dead for years, most people just don't know that. Only the other dead know me, and when we see one another in public we give each other a nod, we keep our secrets. I hear those old voices calling out to me, a memory of childhood..."Step-on-me, Step-on-me, wanna play? Step-on-me, Step-on-me, I love you, I truly do..."--hogwash, all hogwash, as old as I am I want to live big, I want to feel like I am the star of a lifetime movie, but I don't have the follow through, don't have the balls, don't have the (lack of) heart. So I sit and blog and do homework and watch my middle spread and prepare to die at 50.  But maybe I won't die, you can't die twice, can you? Maybe Sympatico came as the lamb, but will leave as the lion....just maybe...